It feels innate to want to have a partner to enjoy the fruits of life with. To go through the ups and downs, but when does the "downs" become too many, that they outweigh the "ups". How do we know when we've reached that unhealthy point where the relationship becomes toxic? For some, this is obvious, some people know very clearly their limit and can recognize when they aren't happy, but believe it or not, there's also a large group of people who truly won't know while their in the relationship that they need to get out. I myself have been in some unhealthy relationships and can shed some light on this based off my own experiences and based off common experiences of others that seem to follow along the same trend of red flag behaviors. Here are 10 signs you could be in a toxic relationship.
1. Poor communication. It goes without saying that good communication is the cornerstone of a solid working relationship. This is such a universal concept for human begins that without practicing healthy communication you'll fail to build a relationship with anyone: friends, parents, siblings, coworkers and partners. Part of what makes good communication skills is active listening, allowing the person to speak fully without cutting them off and relax your face! I'm so guilty of this one, even if I'm not intending to be rude, my facial expressions give life and not in a good way, haha. Listen to your partner to hear and not respond. Not to say, you cannot respond, dialogue is the whole point of a conversation, but listen with an open heart. Really process what they're saying, maybe even repeat back what you heard to make sure your understanding what they're trying to communicate and then respond. Practice speaking with a neutral tone. When I say neutral, I'm not referring to being bland and monotone but more so, evaluate if your tone is naturally aggressive, accusatory, defensive, or too nonchalant. Sometimes we're saying the right things, but our tone is utilizing a whole different communication style that can taint the intention.
Really try to understand your partner even if you disagree with them. I've come across so many relationships that go sour simply off the way they speak with each other when mad. Are you defensive and shut down the minute your partner brings up a concern? Are you humble with acknowledging maybe they may be right to an extent? Or even if they aren't, to be able to understand where the disconnect is and how that could reasonably make someone upset. Do you give eye contact during uncomfortable conversations to at least show your listening, although your upset? You can also simply say, "I hear you, to my understanding you feel like these actions are making you feel xyz. There may be a misunderstanding, here's why". Maybe, "I hear you, I see where your coming from and it seems like your feeling xyz. I didn't intend on making you feel that way, here's what's going on...". Open up the dialogue and take it from there. This won't always work if your with a partner that has worse communication skills than you or aren't open to working on the art of communication. In either case, down the road, that may be a sure sign that relationship is not a good one for you, in that season of your life. If you have a partner you can never talk to and just argue, IT WILL NOT WORK. Now where it really gets toxic is if you or your partner result to a wicked tongue in the heat of discontentment. No matter how upset you are, never ever result to petty, low blows that you know will bury deep in someone's heart. Think before you speak. If you have to result to that verbal attack, then there's so much more going on and you may be in a toxic relationship.
EPHESIANS 4:29 "Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers."
2. Lack of boundaries. We all know this one, the partner that looks through your phone while your sleeping. Checks your emails when your not looking or listens to your conversations. These are all big red flags of trust issues in your partner and broken trust is incredibly hard to mend. If your partner always feels they have to be present in order for you to go out whether it be with family or friends, that's not a great sign. There should be mutual trust for either party to hang out without their partner or to not have a password on their phone out of fear that their partner will begin to snoop. This indirectly ties into the next sign that all lead up to a bigger issue that we will later address.
3. Isolation from peers and family. This is big. If at any point in your relationship you're realizing that your partner is isolating you from you friends and family. Please exit. This could be indirect, for example, every time you plan to hang out with your friends, your partner strikes up an argument that prevents you from ever making it to your engagement. When you make it to your engagement, your partner engages in harassing phone calls, or physically shows up to argue or damper the party. They might plant seeds in your head to turn you against your family like they're jealous of you, they want what we have, they're not in your best interest. This type of isolation coupled with a toxic partner is dangerous for your mental health.
4. Blame is the name. Accountability is a big part of personal growth and development. If this is something your partner doesn't do and they consistently blame you for all the problems or blame your actions that created the consequence for their actions. The relationship wont work. Here's an example: your partner throws a low blow in the heat of an argument and says, "I hope you never succeed in life, you'll always be a failure." Only later to justify the comment with a, "I only said that because you made me mad. If you didn't piss me off, I would've never said it." So there's no apology, no true accountability, just blame.
5. Feeling lonely even when you're together. This sign I feel like takes a little longer to realize than the others. There's a difference between being alone and feeling lonely. Being in a healthy, loving relationship should never leave you feeling lonely, like you have no one to talk to, no one to enjoy your time with. You may be in a relationship with someone that you have no emotional attachment to, no bond, which leaves you in the presence of someone but still feeling alone. If you're struggling with creating shared memories together that aren't arguing or just sex, but fun bonding memories. That may not be the one for you.
6. Control. Power is something that I feel like every person struggles with even unconsciously because it's an ideology that Western culture has instilled in our hearts since the moment we are born. Most societies have been founded on the ideology of power and control. That man should hold these titles and the characteristics that encompasses these attributes. That cliché line of who wears the pants in the relationship come to mind with the undertone of who is the man in the relationship, whose in charge? I personally don't love this saying because it actually creates a barrier between man and woman in a relationship when realistically every matter of managing a household is a fine balance that requires both, based off the unique strengths that they were both designed with. Whether both people work, one works, one manages the household, both manage the household, whatever it may be, it takes TWO. If there is a constant uncongenial emphasize on one person being in power or control of the relationship, there may need to be a deeper conversation on role expectations.
7. Abuse. I left this last on the list not because it's least important, but I feel that this goes without saying. If your partner is emotionally or physically abusive, then you need to leave for your health and safety and seek support with that transition because often times leaving an abusive relationship is equally or even more dangerous than staying.
If you're wanting to evaluate the health of your relationship, first and foremost, how do you feel about it? If you're seeing all of these signs then you very likely are in a toxic relationship. You should never leave the company of your partner feeling emotionally drained, tired or lonely.
Comentários