I think it's fair to say that being in a committed long term relationship comes with a lot of give and take, on both parts. Of course falling in love is easy, but staying in love is where the real work comes in. This is especially important when you've been with your partner for years and you've both found that perfect communication with each other, with equal freedom and flexibility. You're responsibilities together are easily managed. Now add in a child to the mix and it will definitely shake things up in your relationship. So how do you manage growing in this new season of parenthood while still maintaining the love in your relationship?
Enjoy the pregnancy. This goes for Mom and Dad. The pregnancy is a very beautiful time where your both in anticipation of that beautiful baby to be. It's also the last time in a long time you will have together, without baby. Use this period to really soak up and appreciate what you love about each other. Make more memories together, plan romantic getaways, go for walks in the park or the beach, a light hike. Enjoy a candle lit dinner or walk under the moonlight sky. A babymoon is highly recommended. You never know when the next time will be that you will have this time alone.
Make time to be together AFTER baby is here. This is when it starts to get tricky. Caring for a newborn is a lot of work. Not to say it's a job, or you'll be unhappy. You will absolutely be the happiest you've ever been in your life just staring into those newborn eyes. However, you both will also be exhausted, chores may be piling up and your roles become more isolated. While Mom is caring for baby, maybe nursing around the clock, Dad might be picking up the slack on the household chores. Maybe Dad is also still working full time. So during this season, it's really important to remain intentional with your time together. If you can spare one hour in the evening time to sit, reflect on each others day and actively listen to each other. If talking is not the vibe because your both too tired, snuggle up on the sofa an watch an episode of your favorite show together.
3. Use your love language. There is nothing better than having your partner communicate through your love language. Let's say Mom likes to receive love in the form of action and Dad loves verbal communication and praise. So Dad will give love in the way that Mom needs to receive it by giving a shoulder massage after watching her nurse baby all day. Then Mom might say something like, "thank you for doing the dishes or the laundry. I really appreciate that your doing these things, it's super helpful and means a lot to me." Now, we're going to take a quick moment and reflect on this. I get the feeling that some might read this and misconstrue this praise with stroking the ego. But that's not what the intent is behind this love language. This is praise of appreciation and gratuity. Yes, it might be no big deal to do the dishes right? Wrong, even small acts are kind acts and gestures. When you have a newborn, doing the dishes or taking out the trash goes a long way. Secondhand, if you do happen to build your partners ego by showing appreciation of their actions, is that such a bad thing? Wouldn't you want to build up your partner and vice versa? Just you know, food for thought.
4. Don't be afraid to be intimate and have an occasional date night when the circumstances align up right. If grandma happens to visit and says she'll be there for the day, consider taking maybe 3 hours away to grab brunch or dinner with just you and your partner. Squeeze in some sexy time if need be. The whole point is to utilize smalls pockets in the day to nurture your relationship with your spouse/partner. Think of it this way, if your not in a happy partnership and things start going downhill when little one arrives, then it'll be more difficult to be the best parents you can be.
5. Address your parenting styles before time. This is something that may come between some parents depending on how serious the action is. You know how the movies joke around about which parent is the "good" cop, "bad" cop? Well that's what I'm referring to when I say address your parenting style with your partner prior to baby coming or in general early on. Some important question to ask is how do you plan on disciplining your child? One parent might believe in spanking while the other might believe in verbal communication. Are you a negative or positive reinforcement type of parent? For instance, your child gets good grades and as a positive reinforcement to the grades, you buy her a cellphone to keep up the good grades. You are adding a positive affect as a consequence to a stimulus, which is the grades. In the case of negative reinforcement, you take away a stimulus as a consequence to a good behavior. So in this case, maybe your daughter was a daily chore of doing the dishes and taking out the garbage which she hates. Your daughter then comes homes with a report card full of A's, and in return, you take away her chore of taking out the garbage for a week. So you take away something to strengthen the likelihood of her keeping up her good grades. This is the type of conversation to have with your partner to set the foundation of expectations so as new parents you are always on a middle ground, standing united.
6. Family time is fun time. Just have fun! Of course being a parent is stressful and exhausting, but you can absolutely love and enjoy the heck out of every step in this journey, together. Document everything to look back on. Who better to share the joy of parenthood than with your partner. You both created life and are continuing to nurture your little one. That's a lot to celebrate.
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